120 of the best jokes and funny liners ever since the edge of Edinburgh

120 of the best jokes and funny liners ever since the edge of Edinburgh

Edinburgh's Edge Festival has almost 1,300 comedy shows this year, all of which are trying to make your laughter.

To get a flavor of what is expected this time, we are putting together an epic list of some of the best jokes and liners that audiences have been throwing in the Scottish capital in recent years.

* Warning: contains adult content *

No more ado …

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong for so many different levels. ” Tim Vine (2011)

“I have downloaded this new application. It's great, it tells you what you should wear, what you should eat and if you are spending weight. Known as the Daily Mail. ” Hayley Ellis (2016)

“When I was younger I felt like a man who was inside a woman's body. Then I was born. ” Yianni (2015)

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said,‘ We will do this interesting ”. So we stopped playing chess. ” Matt Kirshen (2011)

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“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one.” Tom Ward (2015)

“I really wanted the kids when I was in my early 20s but I couldn't… attract them in my car. No, I'm screaming… I don't have a license. ” Ward Felicity (2012)

“I was very sexually active. My first boyfriend asked me to do a mission and I went to Africa for six months. ” Hayley Ellis (2012)

“Frogs are a frog leap out of every four.” T Chris Turner (2016)

“Love is like a fart. If you need to apply it probably shit it. ” Stephen K. Amos (2014)

"I was forced to swim but I am very proud to say that I have been dry for six years."Alfie Moore (2013)

“My grandfather has a chair in his shower that makes him feel old, so he wants to be young, he sits back as a cool teacher who assembles drugs.” T Rhys James (2016)

“My girlfriend is really beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, without weapons. ” Phil Wang (2015)

“My husband's old man is like a colon. I can't remember what it is and I don't use it anyway. ” Mary Bourke (2012)

Photo: Dave Brown
Sara Pascoe returns to LadsLadsLads (Photo: Dave Brown)

“Can schizophrenia be forgotten for telecare? I hear you want. ” Jordan Brookes (2016)

“I was raised as one child, which really affected my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)

“I bought myself some glasses. My observation was improved. ” Sara Pascoe (2014)

“You know you're working when your television is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett (2012)

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. There have never been a few visits to Syria. ” Alex Horne (2014)

“Life is like a box of chocolates. Not long you have fat. ” Joe Lycett (2014)

“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it would be too difficult to close all the roads and provide enough water for everyone.” T Jordan Brookes (2016)

“You can't lose homing pigeon. If your column does not return homing, it is a pigeon that you lost. ” Sara Pascoe (2014)

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that is how he lost his job in disaster relief. ” Mark Watson (2014)

Nisk Kumar is currently featured on The BBC's Mash Report
Nisk Kumar is currently featured on The Mash Report BBC

“I want ISIS to play violent video games and listen to Marilyn Manson.” T Eric Lampaert (2016)

“There's only one thing I can't do that white people can do, that is to say pans at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014)

“How do people make new friends? Trying a friend. ” Steve Bugeja (2016)

“I wanted to make a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me. ” Ria Lina (2014)

“One thing you never hear of saying Hindu…‘ You only like once. ” Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)

“My Dad told me to invest money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ” Nick Hall (2015)

“I have decided to stop masturbating, since I don't really feel myself.” Tom Toal (2015)

“I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand as, of course, the Trojans were people whose lives were destroyed when a ship with little heroes exploded inside their city walls.” Jonny Lennard (2014)

“My wife told me: éas Sex is better on holiday. 'This nice postcard wasn't available.' Joe Bor (2014)

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a curator. She was wearing huge gloves. ” Alun Cochrane (2015)

The latest run by John Stirlings on the outskirts has already been sold
Iain Stirling's latest run on the edge has already been sold (Photo: Dominic Marley)

“As a child I walked the walk. We couldn't give a dog. ” Gary Delaney (2010)

“You can't buy money for you? Well, check this out, I bought myself as a Happy Meal. ” Paul F Taylor (2014)

“My father was never sexist, he broke my brothers and myself fairly.” T Njambi McGrath (2016)

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“The Scottish created hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it be easier to talk to a woman? ” Stephen Brown (2008)

“If you become fashionable late in Crocs, you're just late.” Joel Dommett (2014)

“I can't work for long periods. When I go back from running usually trying my girlfriend to forget something. ” Pete Otway (2016)

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ” Stewart Francis (2012)

“I'm learning the coke hokey. It's not all. But – I have the sixties and the events. ” Iain Stirling (2014)

“Today… I made seven press announcements: not in a row.” T Daniel Kitson (2012)

“Stephen Hawking was his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, breaking his glasses, had a broken wrist, a complex ankle and a grassy knee; it seems she stood up! ” Jim Sealey (2014)

In 2013 Christie won the Edinburgh Comedy Award for Best Competition to Show A Bic For Her
In 2013 Christie won the Edinburgh Comedy Award for Best Competition to Show A Bic For Her

“People say I have no power but I give up the hours of smoking.” Kai Humphries (2014)

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: reann Hell of Blood, how long the aisle will be. Paul McCaffrey (2014)

“Not only is the golf a good walk, it is also an action to strike things violently with a ruined stick.” John Luke-Roberts (2016)

“Feminism is not long. It's not like Angry Birds. Although many Angry Birds belong to it. Good example. ” Bridget Christie (2014)

“I love languages. Nationalities are the same. Like an Irish person or a Scottish person said that the Snow Patrol band is boring but that Eskimo has a hundred words from the way that Snow Patrol is crap. " Neil Hickey (2013)

“From my god, mega play the other day: Stop my dishwasher working! Yup, his visa expired. ” Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop (2014)

“‘ I think jokes about learning difficulties are ok when they are clever cosúil like ‘saying‘ I think jokes about blind people are okay while they are visual ”. Brendon Burns (2013)

“I just bought underwater headphones and sent me loads. Do you know how exciting it is to swim for the theme song from Jaws? I mean that my concern is through the roof but that I have recorded times. ” Ward Felicity (2016)

"I am a single person. Preferably. It's not a mutual. We came to an agreement that she would marry her boyfriend." Brett Goldstein (2013)

“My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth that you don't want. Then she made me eat broccoli, which she felt was double. ” Sarah Millican (2011)

Sarah Millican made her show Throughly Modern Millican in 2011 (Photo: BBC) t

“Red sky at night: the joy of the shepherd. Blue sky at night: day. ” Tom Parry (2015)

“It all starts innocent, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you realize you are putting raisins and smears together – it's a rocky road.” T Olaf Falafel (2016)

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: seo This could be interesting. ” Paddy Lennox (2009)

“The anti-aging notice I would like to see is a child covered with cream saying,‘ Aah, I am using too much ” Andrew Bird (2008)

“I'm sure where my Dad is: he's looking down on us. He is not dead, but very diligent. ” Jack Whitehall (2009)

“It's like reading in the car looking at me. It's ok for 10 minutes, then you start feeling sick ” Andrew Lawrence (2008)

“Doctor, doctor! I'm sorry. It's Saturday. ” Dominic Frisby (2016)

“Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think, fear A man who took every precaution to avoid people approaching photos of” Carey Marx (2008)

"Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I have moisture in my chest older than that." Lucy Beaumont (2014)

Josie Long is operating for three nights at the Edinburgh Fringe this year
Josie Long is operating for three nights at the Edinburgh Fringe this year (Photo: Idil Sukan)

“What is a couple? “I asked my mother. She said, 'Two or three'. Probably explains why her marriage fell ” t Josie Long (2008)

“My friend said she was drinking Monday to Friday. I'm worried she's going to dehydrate ” Kerri Godliman (2008)

“I have the flu-wife. Which is similar to the manflu but worse because I have regular periods and are paid less. ” Sofie Hagen (2016)

“Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. She was unsuccessful but left a big crack to appear. ” Al Porter (2016)

“I like Jesus but I love it, so it's too big.” T Tom Stade (2008)

“My grandmother recently met my grandmother to die. Not like that, to stick – he died for the first time ” t Alex Horne (2008)

“I think if you were a criterion of anti-feminism, you certainly wouldn't take an anti-feminism '? You didn't call yourself ail Uncle Feminism ’. ” Jenny Collier (2016)

“My friend is called Liam, but we call him‘ Two Liam's feet '. This is because he has only one hand. ” Andrew Ryan (2016)

“I'm writing a film script about going back in time to stop parents of parents at the Austrian dance meeting Sea Under The Sea’. It's called chuig Back to the Fuhrer '! Des Bishop (2016)

Danish comic Sofie Hagen. Photo: Per Bix
Denmark comedian Sofie Hagen won the best newcomer in 2015 (Photo: Per Bix)

“My Mum was always saying that what parents say growing up said 'Wait until your dad gets home' 'Wait until your home gets home, you will have a conversation that will introduce you and see does it start paying maintenance? ' Hayley Ellis (2016)

“Son, I don't think you're ready to be a mother.
Did I do something I said?
‘Yes.” Damien Slash (2015)

“I heard a rumor that Cadbury is giving out oriental chocolate bars. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ” Rob Auton (2013)

“I needed a password for eight characters so I chose Snow White and the seven.” Nick Helm (2011)

“Crash Investigations is my favorite TV show, all programs are shown. Here is a top for a new audience: if the show begins with the pilots being interviewed … it will be a boring adventure. ” Nick Cody (2015)

“I think the amount of shopping I want to buy is a misunderstanding and I don't get back to get a basket.” Stuart Laws (2016)

“Drug use has a bad reputation considering all the beautiful things he has given us such as rock roll and sports achievement.” T Jason John Whitehead (2016)

“I am not a muscular man; the strongest thing about myself is my password. ” Rory O 'Keeffe (2016)

“I don't have the Protestant work ethic, I have Catholic ethics; in that I am not working but I feel very guilty about that. ” Rory O 'Keeffe (2016)

“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ” Aatif Nawaz (2016)

“People who use selfie sticks need a good, long look.” Abi Roberts (2016)

Stephen K. Amos is playing work at the Edinburgh Fringe this year
Stephen K. Amos is working on an exhibition at the Edinburgh Fringe this year (Photo: Getty) t

“I think children are like Marmite. You love them or keep them on the back of the cupboard next to the piccailli. ” Abi Roberts (2016)

“You only know that Chilcot was up to 4rn, pulling down the Red Land and trying to reach the last 800,000 words.” T Alex Kealy (2016)

“So fat is Yo Mamma… that others have to pay for the health consequences of this through general taxation, even though she is responsible for it.” T Dominic Frisby (2016)

“Cooks are rarely white sugar. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ” Olaf Falafel (2016)

“A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratch. ” Chris Turner (2016)

“I met my French teacher the other day that asked me what I have been up to now. I told her I would go to the cinema and play football with my brother. ” Adam Hess (2016)

“My cat is recovering from a huge stroke.” T Darren Walsh (2015)

“My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I want to, Hurry! & # 39; As I did not want my niece to grow to one of the children you hear on the news he says, “The 17-year-old defendant is not named”. Jenny Collier (2016)

“I always considered myself more than a trailer. Which confused many people who tried to start fights with me. They will raise his fist, I will tie my knob out. ” Mark Nelson (2015)

Tim Vine won twice the most funny joke at Edinburgh Fringe
Tim Vine won the award for the most funny joke at the Edinburgh edge twice (Photo: Getty)

“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman book about turtles, she said‘ hard? 'And I was like yeah bheaga and little ones' Mark Simmons (2015)

“I learned about methodological action in the drama school, when all my colleagues stayed as turbulent, patriotic characters for all three years I was there.” T Bridget Christie (2015)

"My old girlfriend would ask me to text her when I came in." That is how small I am. ” Rhys James (2015)

“I'm a comedian with a funny bowel syndrome… It's a shits and a giggles.” T Laura Lexx (2015)

“Hitler might not be so gloomy if people never left him hanging for a high step.” T Rhys James (2015)

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door is always open.” Paul F. Taylor (2016)

“If you don't know what Morris's dance is like, think that eight men from the KKK were lost, and that you were proud of and attempted to express it.” T Fin Taylor (2016)

“Hedgehogs – why can't they share the hedge?” T Dan Antolpolski (2009)

“I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is that your children are always crying‘ Are we still there? ” Paul F. Taylor (2016)

“If you don't know what the intake is, you need to take a close look at yourself.” Ian Smith (2015)

“It's horrible. But on the plus side – there are only three others that sleep until Christmas. ” Robert Garnham (2017)

“Shopping at Topman. And Bottomhorse. ” Dan Antopolski (2017)

“Oregon is in charge of America in marriage and clinical depression. What a sad situation. ” Paul Savage (2017)

“I am very contradictory with eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I want to win the glasses. ” Caroline Mabey (2017)

“Relationships like mobile phones. You will look at your iPhone 5 and I think it was much quicker to pass this thing on. ” Athena Kugblenu (2017)

“I was drilling a job for water – it was really boring.” Leo Kearse (2018)

“You need to work in the Job Center – you must live the next day. Adam Rowe (2018)

“I took a loan to pay for the disorder. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossession. ” Olaf Falafel (2018)

“In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and she refused to contact me. ” Daniel Audritt (2018)

“What do the color of blind people do when they are asked to eat their vegetables?” T Flo and Joan (2018)

“I remember security at the Brits a few years back when it all started between Steps and Jamiroquai. I was the only thing between H and JK. ” Simon Evans (2018)

“I am going into the hatch competition. I hope I can pull it out. ” William Andrews (2018)

“Words can't express what I hate Emoji World Day.” Christian Talbot (2018)

“When I discovered that the amusement park was taking a photo of me on their journey without my permission, I was smelling. Olaf Falafel (2018)

“The thing is, we all want to get involved. But some of us are short. Lou Sanders (2018)

“Someone stole my antidepressants. No matter who they are, I hope they are happy ” Richard Stott (2019)

“What's driving Brexit? From here it appears to be the Duke of Edinburgh ” t Milton Jones (2019)

“I asked a cow fever if I could give up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That's 20 cows' ” Jake Lambert (2019)

“A great thesaurus. No other words ” Ross Smith (2019)

“I accidentally put myself on an ecological course; I'm really struggling to quit ” t Adele Cliff (2019)

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