The increasing discussion around “low contact” and even “no contact” with family members, as highlighted in recent reports, raises complex issues beyond individual experiences of pain and estrangement. While acknowledging the necessity of distancing oneself from abusive or unsafe family dynamics, a growing concern is the potential for this trend to overlap with, and even mask, patterns of coercive control and manipulation.
Coercive control, as defined by experts, is a pattern of behavior designed to exert power and dominance over another individual. It’s a foundational element of abuse, extending beyond physical violence to encompass psychological tactics like isolation, intimidation, and the erosion of an individual’s agency. , Christine Marie Cocchiola, DSW, LCSW, emphasized the importance of therapists assessing for coercive control when clients present with family estrangement, noting that abusers often escalate tactics when they lose control through psychological means.
The concern stems from the fact that isolating someone from their support network – family and friends – is a hallmark of abusive relationships. When society increasingly normalizes and even validates severing family ties, it can inadvertently create an environment where manipulative partners can more easily exert control. The message becomes blurred: is this a healthy boundary being established, or is it a deliberate act of isolation orchestrated by an abuser?
This is particularly troubling because estrangement isn’t always a clear-cut case of self-preservation. As one letter to the editor pointed out, the narrative often focuses on the adult child’s perspective, with an assumption that the cause of estrangement lies primarily with a “difficult” parent. While abusive relationships certainly exist, it’s crucial to recognize that family dynamics are complex and multifaceted. Estrangement can also stem from difficulties within the adult child’s own relationships, mental health struggles, or conflicts involving other family members, such as in-laws or siblings.
The process leading to estrangement is rarely sudden. Individuals often exhaust numerous attempts at reconciliation, repeatedly minimizing their own needs and enduring boundary violations in hopes of repairing the relationship. Years of pain, guilt, and self-doubt often precede the decision to create distance. However, even when estrangement feels necessary, it’s rarely experienced as pure relief.
The impact of estrangement extends beyond the individual choosing to distance themselves. Parents, siblings, and other family members left behind often experience profound grief and heartbreak. One letter writer described the “living grief” experienced when a sister chose low/no contact, expressing worry that the decision was influenced by her partner and leading to further isolation. This highlights the devastating consequences for those on the receiving end of such choices.
Clinicians play a vital role in navigating these complex situations. Attachment-focused therapists, like Cocchiola, advocate for using the term “fractured attachment” rather than “alienation” to understand the underlying dynamics of estrangement. The goal is to help clients rediscover and reclaim their reality, discerning whether the estrangement is a justified response to abuse or a result of manipulation.
A key therapeutic principle is validating a client’s perspective while simultaneously assessing for coercive control. This requires careful consideration of the entire family system and a willingness to explore the possibility that a client has been coerced into believing false narratives. The aim is to empower clients to regain agency, maintain relationships with supportive family members, and disengage from abusive dynamics.
It’s important to remember that coercive control can be exerted not only by intimate partners but also by external influences like authority figures, cults, or institutions. This broadens the scope of potential manipulation and underscores the need for vigilance.
The rise of social media further complicates the issue. Online messaging can inadvertently normalize isolating behaviors, potentially reinforcing abusive dynamics. The emphasis on individualism and self-care, while valuable in many contexts, can be misconstrued as justification for severing ties without considering the broader implications.
navigating family estrangement requires a nuanced approach. While acknowledging the legitimate need for boundaries and self-protection, it’s crucial to remain mindful of the potential for coercive control and the devastating impact on all involved. Open communication, careful assessment, and therapeutic guidance are essential for fostering healthy relationships and preventing further harm.
For those experiencing family conflict or suspecting coercive control, seeking professional support from a qualified therapist is highly recommended. Resources are available to help individuals understand their options and navigate these challenging situations.
