Boundaries and Knowing What You Need to Show Up
- The word boundaries gets thrown around a lot in conversations about relationships and mental health.
- That version not only fails to foster recognition and connection, but it also fuels conflict and unnecessarily keeps relational scenes between people stuck.
- To me, the point of a boundary isn't to simply push another person away (the end).
The word boundaries gets thrown around a lot in conversations about relationships and mental health. People reflexively think of boundaries as a way to keep others at arm’s length – if not as an excuse to say: “Back off! You’re dead to me!”
That version not only fails to foster recognition and connection, but it also fuels conflict and unnecessarily keeps relational scenes between people stuck.
Boundaries as a Beginning Rather of an Ending
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To me, the point of a boundary isn’t to simply push another person away (the end). It’s an intentional choice that invites relational connection.
A boundary is any parameter, limitation, or stabilizing action that we feel we need to be as present and open to possibility with our scene partners in life as we can, without feeling compromised.Our boundaries are ours to name and claim, nonetheless of whether others understand or validate them.
Far from an excuse to exit a relationship (stage left), boundaries are what allow us to stay in the scene-even when it’s uncomfortable.
This relational view of boundaries is backed up by years of psychological research. Interaction privacy management theory (Petronio,1991),for example,explains that when individuals effectively deploy boundaries related to privacy with other people (friends,family,co-workers,romantic partners),they have the capacity to strengthen trust and intimacy,rather than create rifts.
More recent studies on this theory and relational boundaries consistently show that intentional, self-preserving parameters often enhance communication, mutual respect, and interpersonal satisfaction. (Petronio and Child, 2020).
Boundaries Help Us to Stay in the Scene
The first rule of improv is:
You can say Yes, and
You can say Yes, but
But you can’t say No
“No,” ends the scene.
we can think of our boundaries like the choices improvisers make to stay present and alive in a given scene.
We can ask ourselves what we need to remain relationally available with other people (even minimally), without needing to completely retreat, react, or defend ourselves.
According to research, when we can identify and practice maintaining boundaries that make our minds and bodies feel free, we improve our emotional regulation (Porges, 2021). This means we’re less reactive to other people and better able to respond to them with The Autonomic Nervous System and Safety evaluation
The autonomic nervous system (ANS) continuously assesses environmental cues for potential threats and opportunities, influencing physiological and behavioral responses even outside of conscious awareness. The National Institute on Aging details the ANS’s role in regulating bodily functions, including responses to stress. This assessment isn’t a cognitive process of deliberate thought,but rather a rapid,subconscious evaluation of risk. The ANS operates through three primary branches: the sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight), the parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest), and the enteric nervous system (digestion).
Stephen Porges and Polyvagal Theory
Stephen Porges, a distinguished professor of psychiatry, developed polyvagal Theory,which specifically focuses on the role of the vagus nerve in regulating social engagement,emotional expression,and physiological state. porges’s work highlights the neurophysiological basis for social behavior and the impact of perceived safety on our ability to connect with others. The theory posits that the vagus nerve has two pathways: a myelinated pathway associated with social engagement and a non-myelinated pathway linked to defensive responses. Research published in the Frontiers in Psychology supports the link between vagal tone and social behavior.
Neuroception is the subconscious process by which the nervous system evaluates safety, triggering either a shift towards social engagement or activation of defensive mechanisms. The American Psychological association explains how neuroception influences our reactions to stimuli without conscious awareness. When the nervous system perceives safety,the ventral vagal complex (a part of the parasympathetic nervous system) is activated,promoting feelings of calm,connection,and openness to social interaction.
Defensive Responses and the Impact on Connection
When neuroception detects threat, the sympathetic nervous system or the dorsal vagal complex (associated with immobilization) are activated, leading to fight, flight, or freeze responses. Verywell Mind provides a clear description of these responses. These defensive states prioritize survival and can inhibit social engagement, as resources are diverted towards self-protection. Prolonged activation of these defensive systems can contribute to difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships.
Boundaries as Relational Capacity
Establishing healthy boundaries isn’t about creating distance or avoidance, but rather about regulating one’s own nervous system to enhance the capacity for connection. The substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Management (SAMHSA) emphasizes the importance of boundaries in trauma-informed care, recognizing that they are essential for safety and empowerment.
Time, Space, and Regulation
Taking time for self-regulation – through practices like pausing, stepping away, or mindful breathing - allows the nervous system to downregulate from defensive states and return to a state of safety and openness. The National center for Complementary and Integrative Health (NCCIH) provides information on the benefits of mindfulness for stress reduction and emotional regulation. These actions aren’t retreats from connection, but rather preparations for more authentic and lasting connection. They allow individuals to engage with presence, clarity, and agency, rather than reacting from a place of