Crafting a Relationship With Loss

Managing the psychological impact of loss often involves a struggle between the desire for the pain to disappear and the reality that loss is an inherent part of the human experience. In a personal perspective published May 16, 2026, Paul J. Dunion, Ed.D., suggests that maintaining an adversarial relationship with loss can exacerbate emotional distress, proposing instead that individuals attempt to craft a constructive relationship with their grief.

Dunion argues that most people naturally deny or resist loss, wishing for it to simply vanish. However, he asserts that loss does not go away because life is fundamentally defined by change. By resisting this reality, individuals may find themselves trapped in a cycle of conflict with their own experiences.

The process of grieving often involves a profound shift in identity. When a cherished person is gone, the survivor may find their role redefined by the absence of the other.

Loss often means we end as someone’s parent, sibling, or spouse. We create a life, a meaningful life, with someone we love. This person now only lives in our memory.

Paul J. Dunion, Ed.D.

According to Dunion, sorrow is often deepened by the act of letting go of the imagined future—the life that would have been created had the loss not occurred. He suggests that healing requires making peace with both what actually happened and what might have been.

Dunion illustrates these concepts through his own life experiences with his three daughters, noting that different forms of loss require different paths toward acceptance.

His experiences include:

• The death of one daughter, who passed away two days after her birth.
• The lifelong journey with a second daughter, Sarah, who was born with a serious neurological disability that impaired both fine and gross motor skills.
• The emotional distance created by a third daughter, who has been estranged from the family for over 25 years.

Dunion describes the challenge of seeing beyond the shroud of ableism regarding his daughter Sarah. He notes that over time, the internal voice claiming that they deserved more became silent, allowing him to embrace the love, simplicity and courage Sarah brings to his life. Sarah is 51 years old.

The author reflects on a previous belief in a fantasy formula—the idea that supporting others and avoiding harm to people could provide immunity from significant loss. He describes this as an illusion, noting that love cannot make a relationship permanent within a single lifetime.

The objective of crafting a relationship with loss, as Dunion describes it, is to move toward a perspective that recognizes what has been given rather than focusing solely on what has been taken. This shift allows individuals to find meaning in the remnants of their relationships and the lessons learned through grief.

By acknowledging that loss is a permanent change rather than a temporary obstacle, Dunion suggests that individuals can move from a state of resistance to one of gentle embrace, whether that involves accepting a unique disability or coping with a distant family member.