Grief After Ex’s Death: Dealing with Loss Alone
Falling in love with each other and trying to build a relationship,to no longer speaking to each other and – ultimately – having to grieve alone.For Annabel Glassen (35), the loss of her ex Ruwan was a arduous and vulnerable process. “Only afterwards could I see how gorgeous and special our love was.”
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It all started 15 years ago, Annabel says about her relationship with Ruwan, who died of cardiac arrest in 2018.
“I was in a relationship at the time and Ruwan became part of our fun group of friends. We clicked pretty quickly, we got along well right away,” she recalls.
A friendship blossomed between the two. Annabel felt comfortable with Ruwan, even more so than with her boyfriend. ”It was as if we could really share everything with each other. And we did,” she says about her bond with Ruwan. “like about his depression. That was something I was also familiar with from my past. I never shared that with people,but with him I felt safe enough to be vulnerable.”
The duo also found each other in the fun things life has to offer. ”I recognized in h
And that should have been the moment when annabel and Ruwan could start a relationship freely. But, nothing could be further from the truth.”Because that’s when things got difficult,” she says. “he found it very difficult, he also didn’t think he could do it towards his friend.”
It caused problems between them,and Annabel felt put aside. “because I thought: I’m choosing you now and you’re not choosing me.” What followed was a years-long on-again, off-again relationship. “It was push and pull. when we were together, it was fantastic and cozy. But there were also times when we were very mean to each other,” she recalls.
After 6 years they pulled the plug and Annabel started a new relationship. Ruwan still crossed her mind from time to time and she heard from friends how he was doing, but there was no contact anymore. She continued with her life: working, making friends, building a life, as many twenty-somethings do.
Traveling was also part of that, and so she booked a vacation to Canada. “I booked 3 weeks, together with a friend,” she says about the trip she made in 2018. “But yes, after half a day I received that message.” She is talking about a Facebook message that came up in her feed while scrolling. ‘This can’t be true’, it said.
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Zwart randje
“Die reis heeft wel echt een zwart randje”, blikt Annabel terug op de vakantie. ”Ik kan me er verder niet veel van herinneren.” Ze was helemaal van de kaart. Ruwan was het enige waar ze echt aan kon denken. Want terwijl zij in Canada zat,was in Nederland de uitvaart.Al zijn naasten waren aanwezig.
“Van een vriend hoorde ik hoe dat was, en hij deelde nog een paar foto’s van het afscheid”, vertelt annabel. “Daar was ik heel blij mee.”
Alleen rouwen
Eenmaal terug in Nederland, rouwde Annabel vooral in haar eentje om haar ex. Met zijn familie was er niet echt contact en zelf durfde ze hen niet aan te spreken. “ik wist niet wat ze over mij wisten.Ik dacht: als hij alles eerlijk heeft verteld, vinden ze me misschien wel hartstikke stom. Onze relatie was natuurlijk geen makkelijke.”
Annabel zag vooral de beren op de weg, vertelt ze. “Ik was gewoon bang. Uit angst voor hun reactie en wat zij misschien over mij zouden weten, heb ik dus nooit iets gezegd. Maar ik droomde eigenlijk wel van contact met de familie.” Ze had het verlies graag samen met zijn naasten willen verwerken.
Impact verlies
Annabels Ex-Partner, referred to as “Ruwan”
The text refers to Annabel’s former partner, identified only as “ruwan” to protect his anonymity. The passage indicates annabel is currently focusing on acknowledging the positive aspects of their past relationship, something she did not prioritize at the time of the relationship’s conclusion.
ruwan is a pseudonym used to maintain the anonymity of Annabel’s ex-partner.
Focus on Positive Recollection
Annabel is presently attempting to reframe her perspective on her past relationship with “Ruwan,” concentrating on the positive experiences that occurred. This represents a shift in her approach compared to how she processed the relationship previously.
Detail: The text suggests a period of difficulty or negative focus following the relationship’s end, which Annabel is now actively working to balance with an gratitude for the good times. There is no further context provided regarding the nature of the relationship or the reasons for its end.
Example or Evidence: the direct quote, “Dat is waar ik me nu op probeer te focussen, dat het ook heel mooi was. Destijds deed ik dat niet,” demonstrates Annabel’s current effort to acknowledge the positive aspects of the relationship, contrasting it with her previous inability to do so.