Happier Relationships: 1 Mindset Shift – Psychologist
Why Taking Control of Your Life Can Save Your Relationship
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Do you frequently enough feel like your happiness is at the mercy of external forces – your partner’s actions, a tough boss, or just plain bad luck? This feeling might stem from what psychologists call an “external locus of control.” Understanding were you fall on the spectrum between internal and external control can be a game-changer, especially when it comes to building and maintaining healthy relationships.
What is Locus of Control?
Locus of control refers to the degree to which you believe you have control over the events that influence your life.
Internal Locus of Control: people with a strong internal locus of control believe they are responsible for their own outcomes.They take ownership of their successes and failures,believing their actions directly impact what happens to them.
External Locus of Control: Conversely, those with an external locus of control believe that external forces – fate, luck, or other powerful external influences - are primarily responsible for their life’s events.
If you have an external locus of control, you might be less motivated to make personal changes and blame others rather than looking inward. This locus of control may help you in situations you really cannot change, offering a sense of peace and acceptance. However, it may be detrimental in relationships where each partner needs to take responsibility for their actions.
This isn’t about self-blame, but about creating a habit of self-reflection.
Without an internal locus of control,you may blame your partner or external circumstances for your problems,hindering your personal growth. This can cause a breakdown in communication as the “blame game” leaves you and your partner stuck in a cycle of negative interactions. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking,”They make me feel this way,” rather than recognizing your own emotional responses and needs.
How To Internalize Your Locus Of Control
The first step to building a satisfying relationship is to take ownership of your actions. Once you do that, you’ll find it easier to take accountability and mend your ways, instead of throwing in the towel. This isn’t about accepting fault for everything, but about recognizing your role in the dynamic, even if it’s simply how you choose to react.
Instead of asking, “Why does everything go wrong in my love life?” ask yourself: “Have I talked to my partner about how we can work through this together?” Or, “What can I do differently to improve the situation?”
Recognizing the Pattern of Externalization
A key step in shifting your locus of control is recognizing when you’re externalizing blame. Pay attention to your language. Do you frequently use phrases like “You always…” or “It’s your fault…”? These are red flags. Journaling can be incredibly helpful here. Write down situations that upset you, and then challenge yourself to identify your contribution to the problem, no matter how small.For instance,if your partner ever acts emotionally distant,you may feel destabilized instantly and give up on your partnership because you think there’s nothing you can do. It may feel like an vital part of your life is being taken away, when in reality, you may be relinquishing your power without realizing it. Believing that everything is outside of your control leaves you feeling trapped.This can manifest as anxiety, resentment, and ultimately, a self-fulfilling prophecy of relationship failure.
Building Self-Esteem and Trusting Your Choices
This is why you may need to look within and internalize your sense of control. This frequently enough starts with building up your self-esteem and trusting your choices and actions. Self-compassion is crucial. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.
Ask yourself how you can show up as the best version of you to make the relationship work. This might involve setting healthy boundaries, communicating your needs assertively, or simply prioritizing self-care so you have the emotional capacity to navigate challenges.
Taking Action and Communicating Needs
Once you start to understand that things are not as out of your control as you think, you’ll be able to act with integrity and confidence. Be honest with yourself about what needs to change and communicate with your partner about what your relationship needs.
This requires vulnerability,but it’s the foundation of a strong and lasting connection.Instead of waiting for your partner to “fix” things, proactively suggest solutions and be willing to compromise. Remember, a healthy relationship is a collaborative effort.
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