How to Explain Divorce to Your Child
Perhaps one of the hardest decisions you’ll have to make is deciding to separate from your spouse. The second hardest decision you’ll make concerns when and how to tell your child(ren). Divorce is complex. How would you feel if I told you that the post-divorce relationship between you and your co-parent matters substantially more than how you decide to talk to them about the relationship ending? Most parents worry about saying the wrong thing when explaining divorce to their children. They’re torn between protecting their child and being honest-between minimizing pain and respecting their child’s intelligence. The mistake isn’t what parents say. It’s why they say it.
Most parents will have concerns about how their children may react to the news.Stress, confusion, and maybe even anger are expected (and entirely normal) reactions from children. From the child’s perspective, the family unit they have come to know is changing, and the emotions related to that change may not diminish for a while (Kelly, 2009; Lee and Bax, 2000). Divorce can also prompt children to feel the need to manage the emotions of the non-custodial parent, which can further impact attachment and communication styles within the family system (Yarosh, 2009).
To help facilitate this inevitable discussion, it’s critically important to first think about what your child may need. Children respond differently to family changes, and they may also require different things from you based on their age and developmental level. However,at it’s core,children require the following:
- Emotional safety
- Predictability
- Reassurance that they are not responsible for the change in their family
- Confidence that the adults in their lives can handle their problems in a healthy manner
Honesty does not mean disclosure of specific details. It means truth at a developmentally appropriate level.
The Difference Between Lying and Oversharing
Dishonesty or lying would be ensuring your child that nothing will change. Actually,a lot will be changing in their world,and it’s critically important to be upfront about that. Changes may include which parent they will spend the majority of the