Leaving a deeply ingrained belief system isn’t simply a matter of changing one’s mind; it can be a profoundly disruptive psychological experience, akin to a death and rebirth of the self. This represents particularly true for individuals raised in high-demand religious communities, where identity is often inextricably linked to the group’s tenets and practices. , research highlights the complex challenges faced by those who choose to leave such environments.
The Dissolution of Identity
For individuals immersed in high-demand religious groups from childhood, the boundaries between personal identity and the sect’s ideology become blurred. As described in a recent analysis, leaving isn’t merely a relocation or a shift in beliefs, but a fundamental disruption of one’s interpretive framework for reality. This process can be intensely destabilizing, rivaling the stress experienced during combat or escaping domestic violence.
The stories of those who have made this journey – documented in memoirs like Zalman Newfield’s Brooklyn Odyssey: My Journey out of Hasidism, Shulem Deen’s All Who Go Do Not Return, Abby Stein’s Becoming Eve, and Sara Glass’s Kissing Girls on Shabbat – illustrate the profound personal transformation involved. Newfield’s experience, growing up in Brooklyn’s Lubavitch Hasidic community believing his spiritual leader was the messiah, exemplifies this complete absorption of identity. His early education consisted solely of religious instruction, and the outside world was portrayed as dangerous and undesirable.
Information Control and Thought Reform
A key element in maintaining this closed worldview is “information control”—the deliberate restriction of access to outside perspectives. Within the Lubavitch community, questioning was actively discouraged, and members were encouraged to cultivate complete alignment with the Rebbe’s teachings. This dynamic, while appearing to offer autonomy, functioned as a form of thought reform.
Psychological research on high-control groups identifies a process of “ideological totalism,” where any challenge to the system is deflected by the system itself. For example, explanations for scientific findings – such as the age of dinosaur fossils – were framed to reinforce faith rather than engage with scientific evidence. This isn’t about learning theology or geology, but about developing a mental defense against cognitive dissonance.
The Power of Forbidden Knowledge
The initial cracks in this carefully constructed worldview often appear through exposure to forbidden knowledge. Newfield’s experience with The Call of the Wild and Robin Hood, seemingly innocuous children’s adventure stories, demonstrates this. For someone whose reading had been limited to religious texts, the concept of characters acting out of personal choice and experiencing pleasure without moral justification was profoundly subversive.
A Gradual Erosion of Certainty
Leaving a high-demand religious community is rarely a sudden decision, but rather a gradual accumulation of doubts. Newfield’s journey involved years of slowly eroding certainty, beginning with exposure to secular ideas through books, interactions with non-Lubavitch Jews, and eventually, higher education. Even as doubt grew, he initially resisted questioning his core beliefs, seeking explanations that preserved his faith.
This illustrates the psychological principle of “sunk costs.” By adolescence, Newfield had invested years of study and sacrifice into his religious identity. Abandoning that identity would mean acknowledging the possibility that those efforts had been based on a mistake, a realization the mind often fiercely resists.
The Social Consequences of Leaving
The social repercussions of leaving can be devastating. Community members often view those who depart with contempt, labeling them as outcasts. This shunning isn’t merely unpleasant; research indicates it activates the same neural pathways in the brain as physical pain. Leaving means losing not just an argument, but an entire social world – friendships, family connections, and a sense of belonging.
The ongoing provisional status experienced by many who leave high-demand communities can lead to what psychologists have termed “religious trauma syndrome,” characterized by chronic anxiety, difficulty trusting one’s judgment, and persistent feelings of being damaged.
Rebuilding and Post-Traumatic Growth
Despite the challenges, leaving can also lead to “post-traumatic growth”—the development of new strengths and perspectives through adversity. While losing community and certainty is painful, it can also create the freedom to think independently, form new relationships, and create a life based on personal values.
The process of rebuilding often involves a creative re-evaluation of one’s past. Maintaining elements that still hold meaning while discarding those that are limiting is a common theme. For those who have undergone this transformation, the question isn’t simply whether to leave, but how to live with having left and how to make that choice meaningful.
The ability to shape one’s own life, to choose one’s own path, is a hard-won freedom. While the cost is extraordinary, the journey towards self-determination can ultimately be a path to healing and growth.
