New Parenthood Intimacy & Relationship Capitalization

Are you a new parent? Among the countless changes you’re experiencing right now, are your relationship with your partner and your sex life among them? If you’re finding that your emotional and physical experiences in your relationship aren’t what they were before you stepped into the world of parentingresearch shows you’re definitely not alone. In a study that was just published, a team of relationship scientists cited relevant research on the slide a lot of parents face in their dynamic and sex life after becoming parents.

In their study, the researchers examined whether a particular way of relishing the uplifting times of parenting with a partner might be related to a couple’s emotional and sexual relationship. So just what exactly does this way of savoring the positivity of parenting involve?

It’s called “capitalization.” As the research team highlighted in their review of the scholarship in this area, when someone capitalizes, they talk about an experience that is cheerful or elevating in some way. This experience can refer to any aspect of life, whether it’s parenting, a hobby, a careerself-growth, athletics, school, a vacation, a treasured pet’s wacky and adorable antics (ahem, not that I would know anything about that), other relationships, a personal adventure, the beauty of nature, a divine dish at a restaurant, or simply an amusement that snuck its way into the day-to-day of life. I could go on, but you get what I mean. It’s not just the step of sharing a joyful experience that matters; how the person on the receiving end reacts is also significant. If that person responds with genuine engagement, curiosity, energy, and kindness, this is “active-constructive responding.” As the investigators pointed out, psychological research reveals that the combination of capitalizing and active-constructive responding is connected to the health and wellness of relationships, and this is true cross-culturally. And research also shows that other kinds of replies to capitalization aren’t helpful or are linked to disconnection. Examples include a person who doesn’t seem to be paying attentionwho seems distant, who doesn’t seem engaged or interested, or who replies with criticism.

In this study, the researchers had partners who were new parents complete a diary for three weeks. There was a connection between how people experienced their partner’s reply when they shared enjoyable or exciting moments with their new baby and how they felt in the relationship. When there were active-constructive replies in the relationship, this was linked to partners feeling happier in the relationship and also feeling more sexual desire. There was also evidence of less friction and sensing that a partner seemed more responsive (e.g., thoughtful, patient, perceptive). But when a partner seemed more removed, this was connected to feeling less content in the relationship, sensing that the other partner appeared less responsive, and feeling more upset about their sexual relationship.

Now do these results imply that all partners need to do is capitalize and any challenges they’re navigating in their relationship as new parents will mystically vanish? Of course not. What these results do shine a light on is the meaningfulness of seemingly innocuous, everyday exchanges between partners, like how they engage with each other after their baby’s first smile. Each of these pleasurable exchanges between partners (whether it’s about their new baby or another happy moment) is sort of like a $1 deposit in a bank account or a step in a marathon. In and of itself, it may not seem like a watershed event, but as the research team pointed out, it’s worthwhile to learn how to reply to capitalization in an active-constructive way. And when partners repeat that pattern over and over, it leads to much bigger deposits and miles covered over time.