What Not to Say to a Friend Struggling With Infertility

Approximately 1 in 8 couples struggle to get pregnant for a year or more, according to RESOLVE, the National Infertility Organization. This prevalence means that many individuals are managing significant physical, financial, and emotional stresses that often accompany the journey toward parenthood.

While friends and family often intend to be supportive, many lack knowledge regarding which comments are helpful and which are damaging. Infertility can take a toll not only on personal well-being but also on relationships, often because those around the struggling individual do not know how to offer appropriate support.

The Impact of Unsolicited Advice

One of the most common pitfalls in supporting someone with infertility is offering prescriptive or unsolicited advice. Phrases such as Have you tried…? are often hurtful because individuals seeking specialist infertility treatment have typically already attempted numerous options. Many people have specific medical diagnoses that render generic suggestions irrelevant or ineffective.

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Similarly, suggesting that a person Just do IVF oversimplifies a complex medical process. In vitro fertilization (IVF) is not an easy solution, nor is it a guaranteed success for every person. It’s a physically and emotionally challenging process that can be costly.

Medical professionals typically guide patients through a hierarchy of treatment levels unless a specific medical reason, such as blocked fallopian tubes, male factor fertility issues, or age, requires a more direct approach. This progression generally begins with the least invasive options first:

• Medicated cycles
• Intrauterine insemination (IUI)
• In vitro fertilization (IVF)

The Myth of Relaxation and Positive Thinking

Telling a friend to Just relax or Stop trying so hard can increase stress rather than alleviate it. There is no medical evidence that a lack of positive thinking causes infertility, and telling someone not to worry does not address the underlying medical issues that often prevent conception.

Medical experts emphasize that there is usually a biological reason why someone has been unable to conceive on their own. Lifestyle changes like meditation or luxury vacations cannot erase the clinical need for medical assistance.

Navigating Social Challenges

Infertility is often a challenging topic to navigate within families, friendships, and professional environments. Many social rituals, such as Halloween, revolve heavily around children, which can be distressing for those struggling to conceive.

The modern workplace has also introduced new challenges. In the era of working from home (WFH), parenting has become a more frequent topic of conversation during professional interactions, which can inadvertently isolate or hurt colleagues dealing with fertility issues.

asking about the specific causes of infertility or the reasons behind a miscarriage is generally considered inappropriate and can be intrusive during a vulnerable time.

Effective Ways to Provide Support

The most effective response when someone is struggling with infertility is to listen first and avoid judgment. Acknowledging the difficulty of the situation without trying to fix it with a quick solution is often the most supportive approach.

Supportive language focuses on empathy and validation rather than advice. Examples of helpful phrases include:

• I know how much you want this.
• It must be so hard to still not have a baby in your arms.
• I’m sorry it has been such a [difficult journey].

By avoiding prescriptive comments and focusing on emotional presence, friends and family can help mitigate the isolation often felt by those navigating infertility.