The pressure to be self-sufficient, to handle everything alone, is taking a toll on individuals across demographics, experts say. From juggling demanding careers and family responsibilities to navigating personal crises, many find themselves trapped in a cycle of hyper-independence, fearing vulnerability and the perception of weakness that comes with asking for help.
Cianne Jones, a solicitor-turned-PhD candidate, experienced this firsthand when a relative spent over a month in intensive care. She instinctively assumed the role of “hospital liaison,” relentlessly pursuing doctors for updates and meticulously taking notes. “I took it upon myself to be that person in the hospital every single day – chasing doctors, taking notes, making sure I understood why they were doing things,” Jones recounted. The stress was so intense that she began losing her hair, yet she persevered until a therapist gently questioned why she hadn’t sought assistance. “The hair falling out didn’t suggest to me that I needed help, it was somebody else looking in and saying that,” she laughed.
Jones’s story illuminates a growing trend: hyper-independence, defined as a pattern of taking on everything oneself out of fear of burdening others, facing rejection, or losing control. Clinical psychologist Dr. Stephen Blumenthal emphasizes the fundamental human need for connection. “We are wired for connection,” he stated. “It’s awful for you to exist alone.” As more people confront the emotional and physical costs of this “lone-wolf” mindset, mental health professionals anticipate a surge in demand for therapies addressing the underlying “fear of asking for help.”
The roots of hyper-independence often lie in childhood experiences. Jones attributes her own self-reliance to observing her single mother raise four high-achieving children while simultaneously running a charity. “She did everything herself, and it was very much me watching that that suggested this is what you do, you just get on with it,” Jones explained. This drive propelled her through a successful career – qualifying as a solicitor, launching a company, founding a women-in-leadership charity in Uganda, and pursuing a PhD – but ultimately led to burnout. “I didn’t realise how much I was taking on until I had a panic attack one morning and had to go to hospital,” she said, adding with a wry smile, “Even then, I thought I would take my laptop with me.”
The struggle isn’t limited to professional achievements. Many individuals grapple with hyper-independence in everyday situations, from moving house alone to attempting tasks beyond their physical capabilities. The core issue, experts say, is a deep-seated fear of appearing incapable. “Anything that shows that I’m not capable, I don’t think I’d ask,” Jones admitted.
This fear can also impact personal relationships. Jones reflected on how her hyper-independence may have affected her romantic life. “There’s this narrative with quite a few women in my age group, our 30s: we’ve got everything, jobs, our own homes. Then, considering romantic relationships, you feel a little bit lonely, but do I really need anyone?”
Urvashi Lad experienced a similar sentiment, remaining single until the age of 43, attributing it in part to her own self-reliance. “It gives you a feeling of control,” she said, but acknowledged that it “can keep you alone because you don’t feel safe to find that love.” It took over a year of therapy and self-reflection for Lad to feel secure enough to let someone in, ultimately leading to an upcoming marriage.
Cultural factors also play a role. For some, particularly Black women, a societal expectation of strength and resilience can exacerbate hyper-independent tendencies. Jones, whose PhD research focuses on domestic abuse in London’s Black community, noted that this stereotype can discourage women from seeking help, even in vulnerable situations. She also observed a pattern of Black women being placed in “saviour” roles, adding to the pressure to handle everything independently.
Psychotherapist Kathleen Saxton suggests that hyper-independence often stems from inconsistent or unreliable caregiving in childhood, or experiences of betrayal. “Maybe they were working very hard and couldn’t give you the attention, so you learned to cope well on your own,” she explained. “It’s a coping mechanism. It’s a sense that: I can’t rely on anybody, so I will rely on myself.”
While self-reliance can be a valuable trait, experts caution against its extreme. Saxton encourages individuals to practice “micro-dependence” – starting with small requests for help – to challenge ingrained patterns and build trust. “What would it be like to begin to state what your needs are and seeing whether or not they could be met?” she asked. Learning to accept support, she emphasized, is not a sign of weakness, but a step towards healthier relationships and a more balanced life.
Phil Rowe, who spent years avoiding asking for help due to a lack of confidence, found that embracing collaboration – particularly in a new career as a voiceover artist – not only improved his work but also broadened his perspective. “Usually, people are quite happy to help. I think, generally, people are a lot nicer and forthcoming than they are in my head at times,” he said.
