Out with the old, in with the new.
Black women are choosing nontraditional relationships where they can live and love on their own terms. They’re proving that romance doesn’t have to be one size fits all by building dynamics that serve them and their partners best. These choices are being made despite what society might expect from them.
Some Black women are opting not to limit themselves to monogamy. Others, happily in love, are sleeping separately to get a good night’s rest. A few are using distance to truly feel closer, and others are receiving the kind of attention they desire instead of the type they’re told they should want.
The commitments they are making are solid if unorthodox. We asked Black women loving differently how they arrived in a non-traditional relationship, the misconceptions, the benefits, and how it serves them.
On Choosing a Polyamorous Marriage
Jasmine “Jai Simone” Leakes is a polyamorous poet and podcaster. Her primary nesting partner is her new husband. She revealed that she practices polyamory on their first date, and to her delight, he shared that he does the same.
“He gets me. And he has from day one. He’s never judged me for it. He understands,” she says. “There was no pressure to change my life. There was never an instance where I felt as though I would have to give up or sacrifice something else for this relationship,” she continues. “Most people, most women, have to do that, and I did not.”
The couple is completely open with one another about their other connections. “It’s been very simple to maintain this life with him,” says Leakes. “We understand that our time is separate sometimes.”
There has been a rise in the visibility of polyamorous relationships, but Leakes still thinks the practice is misrepresented. She rejects the assumptions monogamous people make about relationships like hers.
“They feel like you just want to cheat, and you’re just the kind of person who sleeps with everyone. And that’s the furthest thing from the truth,” she says.
Ethical non-monogamy requires transparency.
“There’s so much more communication that happens.”
Living Apart—Together
Some might assume that romantic partners who live apart are less committed, but research shows that is not the case. Shainna Tucker has been in a relationship with her partner for over six years. They don’t live together, but see each other often. She has never cohabited with a partner, and she doesn’t intend to in the future.
“Being around somebody else’s quirks all the time, to me, doesn’t sound appetizing,” she says.
This is not happening in a vacuum. Sheryl Lee Ralph has spent more time living apart from her husband, Pennsylvania State Senator Vincent Hughes, than together in their more than 20 years of marriage. And Keke Palmer recently expressed that “I never want to live together. I like my alone time.”
Tucker and her partner create special moments when they visit each other. She looks forward to Friday nights when they order in and hang out. “We kind of make it like a sleepover. It’s like, ‘Oh, my best friend [is] coming over tonight. I’m excited,’” she says. They plan entertaining activities to engage in and skip arguments over who is taking out the trash. She feels it enhances their romance.
“I think when you’re up under someone all the time, you kind of get used to not necessarily doing those fun things anymore because you’re in mundane routines, and we don’t have that option,” she says.
Long-Distance for the Long-Term
Lisa Hurley was long-distance with her partner from day one. He lives in Barbados, while she is based in New Jersey. “Because of various circumstances, neither one of us could move,” she explains. They’ve been committed to one another since 2013, despite that. She credits their shared values for the success of their long-term, long-distance relationship.
“We know what kind of person each other is, and we can make this work, and we will make it work,” she says, confidently.
They agreed on the dynamics of their relationship when making it official. They would be committed to making one another feel special. No situationships or vague titles were needed to find their way to locking in with one another.
“We decided to move forward, and it was a very easy conversation. It wasn’t one of us trying to coerce or force the other into making a decision,” she says. “He’s my person.”
She appreciates his occasional visits, as their cozy moments are rare but intimate. “It enhances those moments when we are together. It makes it even more special, so every gathering, every reunion is a special and beautiful moment,” she says.
Sweet gifts also keep the connection strong. Hurley’s partner finds little ways to let her know he’s thinking about her, like sending her favorite cashew nuts to her home without warning. Being apart also allows her to recharge fully before reconnecting.
“I’m an introvert, and I do genuinely love my alone time,” she explains.
Sleep Divorce
Sherria Cotton describes her marriage as very much not “on the rocks.” But the happy couple sleep in separate rooms. “It wasn’t a conscious decision or something that we even spoke about. It sort of happened naturally,” she notes.
Her husband’s Zoom sessions with London-based colleagues meant the pair were keeping different schedules. She enjoys sleeping with the room pitch-black as well, something her husband does not require.
“I’m a whole person. He is a whole person, and we both have different needs, and that’s okay,” she says. Cotton sees their practice of sleep divorce as an act of love and not alienation.
Whatever the nontraditional connection entails, she admires how romantic relationships are evolving to hold space for the people involved rather than the roles they are told they should play.
“It just seems like people these days are creating their own ideals of marriage, and basing their relationship on what they both like versus following tradition or societal rules,” Cotton says.
“I think it’s a great thing.”
