How to Recover From Caregiver Burnout and Secondhand Stress: Expert Tips from AARP’s Amy Goyer

More than 63 million people in America are caregivers — of kids, of parents, and loved ones — and many are experiencing secondhand stress, a phenomenon where caregivers absorb the emotional strain of those they care for, leading to burnout that goes beyond normal caregiving fatigue.

Amy Goyer, AARP’s National Family and Caregiving Expert, knows this exhaustion firsthand, having been a caregiver since her 20s for her grandparents, parents, and sister. She described feeling like she was “living four people’s lives,” absorbing not just the physical and emotional stress of caregiving but also the trauma and anxiety of her loved ones, which she says creates a thinning of the emotional membrane between caregiver and care recipient.

Goyer explained that secondhand stress, also called secondary traumatic stress, occurs when caregivers internalize the pain, frustration, or sadness of those they support, even if they are not directly experiencing the trauma themselves. This absorption can lead to serious tolls on physical and mental health if left unrecognized.

Unlike workplace burnout, where one can quit or take a break, caregiving often offers no easy escape. Goyer recalled a moment during her most intense caregiving years when she realized she was running on empty — “on fumes” — while driving, and used the analogy of filling a car’s gas tank to illustrate the need for regular, small acts of self-replenishment, such as short walks, coffee with a friend, or weekly Pilates classes.

She emphasized that caregivers must identify what fills their “tank,” even if it’s just 10 minutes of stretching or a phone call, and recognize that while they can do many things, they cannot do everything — knowing what to outsource and what must remain their responsibility is key to sustainability.

Financial strain is another major contributor to caregiver stress. Goyer shared her own experience of depleting savings, accruing credit card debt, and eventually filing for bankruptcy after years of paying for her parents’ and sister’s care beyond what their budgets covered, including mortgages, food, and clothing when they moved in with her.

She advised caregivers to explore available benefits, such as veterans’ programs or long-term care insurance, and to consult area agencies on aging for help with applications and case management. Many caregivers mistakenly believe Medicare covers long-term care, but it does not, leaving most to rely on expensive out-of-pocket home care or unaffordable nursing home options.

For emotional overwhelm, Goyer recommends counseling — even short-term — and joining caregiver support groups, which she says provide vital connection and mutual understanding. Her free AARP guide, “Care for the Caregiver,” is available as a resource.

Looking back, Goyer said she would tell her younger self to “chill out a little bit,” noting that while she cannot control her loved ones’ health outcomes, she can control her own mindset — a factor she has seen make the biggest difference in how caregivers endure and recover from their experiences.