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Many people will wonder, if they shed a few tears during an intimate relationship – what is happening, it’s embarrassing for me, it’s embarrassing for my partner and similar. But marriage therapist from New York, Rachel Wright, points out that this is completely normal, although many do not perceive it that way.
Although crying is usually seen as a sign of sadness, in reality your body is actually ‘talking’ too much, because it’s all emotions, whether it’s joy, fear, happiness or pain, says Laura McGuire, MD, sexologist in Florida .
At the same time, therapist Wright calls crying ’emotional sweating’. So, just like sweating, tears sometimes flow unexpectedly.
“If your partner seems confused about why you’re crying, it’s best to be honest,” reveals Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, a psychosexual therapist from California. It really means being honest about what you think brought on those tears.
But what if you have no idea where the tears are coming from? We bring an expert explanation of this phenomenon and what to do in that case.
1. It is about hormonal changes
Whether you’re on your period, undergoing infertility treatment, or pregnant, you know that hormonal turbulence can make you cry. Just like when you watch an emotional commercial – tears suddenly start.
Hormones can lead to unexpected, strong emotional reactions. But if you’re interested in resuming sex—and you’re worried about what your partner will think about it—you can emphasize that you’re going through hormonal changes.
This might sound like – I’m not crying because it’s sad, I’m crying because it was so good – or – I’m crying because I’m going through a lot of hormonal upheavals right now, and when pleasure and orgasms come, that’s part of how it manifests , emphasized Dr. Donna Oriowo, a certified sex and relationship therapist.
2. You are drunk
That last cocktail may have given you courage, but it also stirred emotions, says Nasserzadeh.
– These emotions may have nothing to do with your partner or sex itself. Maybe the combination of alcohol and sex makes something else, like a deeper trauma or a feeling of anxiety, come to the surface – says Oriowo.
If your drunken tears don’t feel cathartic, try skipping sex while under the influence. And if this is a pattern for you, consider working with a sex therapist to help you work through the feelings that come up when you drink.
3. You are really relaxed
Do you know why sex can be so good? Because you are tense for the rest of the day (or week or month), and intimacy makes you relax.
– When the sex is really good and we’re completely relaxed for a few seconds – sometimes minutes – it allows all these things to come out. It’s similar to when we cry during a massage or yoga – says McGuire.
– Sometimes, your body simply has some things that it needs to release, and it happens at a moment that we think is inconvenient. But that only means that you needed it – points out Oriowo.
4. You feel super connected to your partner
– If sex is a way of deep connection with your partner, your body could choose this form of release to convey its emotions – says Nasserzadeh.
This makes sense, Wright adds, because sex releases oxytocin, and oxytocin promotes connection, trust and empathy.
– It is easy to feel safe enough to release emotions that may be deep inside us, for some reason – she says.
5. You are grieving
If you’re dealing with a loss of any kind, grief can hit you anytime—while you’re walking, on a date, at the store, or in the middle of sex.
It goes without saying that it’s normal to cry when you’re grieving, but experiencing sadness while simultaneously feeling pleasure can be confusing.
– Sometimes we look for sex when we are in a state of sadness because we long for closeness. We long to be seen, to be held, to be touched, and we also long for some kind of pleasure as an escape from pain. But even at that moment, we go through the grieving process – says Oriowo.
Additionally, you may feel guilty about seeking pleasure while you or those around you are still in pain. However, grief has no time frame, so the best option is to feel everything as it comes and know that it is completely normal, he adds.
6. Sex hurts you – you don’t like it
First and foremost: sex should not be painful. If you’re crying because you’re having painful sex, it may mean you just need to slow down and get some lube.
But if it happens often, it can signal a number of (treatable) conditions such as endometriosis, infection or pelvic inflammatory disease. Pain can also occur from scars due to vaginal birth or surgery, contraception, allergies, and the like. The list of possibilities is long, which is all the more reason to give up sex and consult your gynecologist for a proper diagnosis.
Some forms of treatment may include nerve-regulating medications, pelvic floor therapy, avoiding irritants, steroid creams, surgery, or other medications depending on the cause, says Omoikhefe Akhigbe, Ph.D. MD, board-certified obstetrician-gynecologist and medical director at Pediatrix Medical Group in Maryland.
7. Sex hurts you – you love it
Tears may start because of the type of pain you sought in the form of (consensual) choking, hitting, slapping or tying up.
– Both physical pain and pleasure activate the same part of the brain, so it is completely possible to cry from pain and enjoy it at the same time – says Wright.
If you’re into BDSM, make sure you and your partner set clear boundaries beforehand. This will allow you to discuss likes, dislikes and limitations. You should also talk about what it looks like when you’re having good versus bad fun, to help your partner get a sense of what to expect during sex.
– Communication is necessary in order to have successful sex that is not harmful. Sometimes it all leads to the processing of some emotional things that happened in the past, which can trigger crying – Oriowo points out.
After that, it’s also important to find a way to regulate and stabilize each other, adds Oriowo. During this, you should take time to ask questions and determine what each of you needs mentally, emotionally, and physically.
8. You feel ashamed or guilty
Nasserzadeh has worked with women who told her they cried during sex because they didn’t feel like they ‘deserved’ to take a moment to enjoy themselves.
– They feel that, as mothers, they should focus on their child and not on self-pleasure – she revealed.
However, it’s clear – you can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself.
– If you feel ashamed about sex or intimacy in general, and it comes out in the form of tears, it’s a good indicator to explore that shame outside the bedroom and see what it’s about – adds Wright.
First, try to figure out the root cause of the shame and go from there.
– The shame is not yours. It is something that is given to you that then becomes your voice – says Oriowo.
She recommends seeing a therapist and finding a community to lean on when shame flares up. And if you can’t access individualized therapy or a supportive community, you can also try group therapy, journaling, or even listening to therapy-based podcasts.
9. You are very happy
Maybe you’ve had a seriously long dry spell, or sex has just never been that fun or pleasurable… until now.
– If you have never had, or rarely had, satisfactory sexual interactions, it may be a sign of gratitude, joy or happiness – reveals Nasserzadeh.
– There can be a surge of dopamine and oxytocin hormones based on intense pleasure, which can result in crying – adds Oriowo.
10. You have found a ‘trigger’ for some emotions
Maybe you’re a survivor of sexual abuse, or maybe something happened that you thought you’d forgotten. Suddenly, an otherwise normal and pleasant sexual experience turns into a trigger for something from before.
– Trauma is so deeply embedded in our minds and memory that it’s hard to remember exactly what happened, and sex will bring it to the surface – says McGuire. Stop having sex if you feel like your brain and body are ‘separating’, if painful memories come flooding back or if you feel out of control, advises Wright.
It’s best to seek help from a mental health professional if “you’re crying a lot and can’t figure out why, or even if it’s just once, but the feelings that come with it are sudden fear,” says McGuire.
11. You don’t feel connected to your partner
This one is as simple as it sounds. If you’re not thrilled with your sexual partner, it’s natural to feel a little less than great afterwards, or even mid-act. If you’re having sex for the sake of sex, or maybe just to boost your self-esteem, you might shed a few tears, says Oriowo. transmits 24sata
– There is a high probability that it is time to end such a relationship or there is something else that is bothering you – she adds. If you are not ready to break up, take some time to evaluate where you are in the relationship and whether it is healthy.
It is always helpful to talk to a therapist about these feelings. If you don’t have access to therapy, you can rely on a friend you trust to be good at staying unbiased, loving, and honest with you. You can also join free online social media communities hosted by therapists to gain access to information that may be helpful.
What should I do if my partner cries during sex?
So maybe you’re not the one crying, but you want to know what you can do the next time your partner cries. The good news is that there are simple, thoughtful ways to open a dialogue.
If they start crying during sex, stop completely and check. Oriowo suggests asking them: – Hey, are you okay? What is happening? – or – Let’s stop, what do you need? – .
– You want to do whatever you can, because you want them to feel safe, good and healthy. You want to be able to return to a state of desirability that will allow them to feel good. Reassurance that everything will be fine can also make the other party feel less self-critical – says Oriowo.
But most importantly, the stigma surrounding crying during sex is unnecessary, and for many people, the reminder that it’s okay to cry can also be very important, writes Women’s Health.
The comments presented are the private opinions of the authors and do not reflect the views of the Haber.ba editorial staff. We ask the authors of the comments to refrain from insults, swearing and vulgar expressions. Portal Haber.ba reserves the right to delete a comment without prior notice and explanation –
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