Russia is voting, but there is no choice: Vladimir Putin will be the old and new president. In Soviet times there was at least something for people to win in “elections,” says Vladimir Kaminer.
The three-day Russian presidential election, discreetly referred to as an “electoral measure” by most Russian-speaking media, seems to be arousing more interest in Germany and Europe than in Russia itself. For the vast majority of my compatriots, going to the ballot box is unpleasant, but… Protecting your own health is necessary.
Almost like going to the urologist every year for prostate check-ups, which in medical jargon is referred to as a “rectal procedure”. Except that, according to statistics, a maximum of five percent of the male population in Russia go to a urologist, while the leadership in the Kremlin expects at least 75 percent turnout in the presidential election. Of these, at least 75 percent should cast their votes for the incumbent president.
(Quelle: Frank May)
To person
Vladimir Kaminer is a writer and columnist. He was born in Moscow in 1967 and has lived in Germany for more than 30 years. His best-known works include “Russian disco“. His current book “Instructions for use for Neighbors“ (with Martin Hyun) has just been released.
Of course, election commissions can falsify the results and put the right tick in the right place on the ballot papers of citizens who did not show up to vote. But every forgery still needs a stable basis, i.e. there have to be voters there so that there is something to count votes on. And there should be a few more than at the urologist. Even good forgers can’t conjure up the necessary 75 percent if no one comes to the polling station.
As is usual in a steep power vertical, the regional apparatchiks want to demonstrate their loyalty and effectiveness to the boss in Moscow. On the other hand, they don’t want to take responsibility and have scapegoats in case too few go to the ballot box. Responsibility is derived from top to bottom. The factory directors and operations managers should encourage their employees to vote – with sugar or with a stick. University leaders should be careful that young people don’t do anything stupid.
The dead have to vote
The constituencies far from the center of power cheated in advance when providing information about potential voters. Karelia reported half a million people eligible to vote, with a total population of around that number. Based on these numbers, Karelia must have a huge demographic problem. The new constituencies in the newly annexed, occupied territories of eastern Ukraine will see a total population of eight million go to the polls, although independent observers estimate fewer than two million people remain there.
The majority of the population had fled, others still did not accept Russian passports, and quite a few were bombed away. The remaining bodies are not counted so that the dead souls can tick Putin. In the large central regions, those eligible to vote are now also allowed to cast their votes online if they have a computer with an Internet connection. If not, you can try the TV. It’s enough to nod towards the screen when Putin appears in the news.
Although the preparations have been completed brilliantly and nothing can actually go wrong, the Kremlin administration is clearly showing a certain nervousness. This time there is a complete lack of intrigue in the election: the few permitted opposing candidates are people whom no one knows and from whom hardly anyone, apart from their friends and family members, has heard or seen anything before. The incumbent president’s main opponent was murdered in prison shortly before the election.
All attempts by the state media to create tension with the question of who will finish second have been of no use. Government surveys also show that citizens don’t care about the election. They are much more interested in the upcoming presidential elections in America in the fall. Who will win there? The old, aging incumbent or his cheeky challenger? The Russians would like to vote in America, but they are not allowed to vote there either.
Your own choice with no alternative lacks any humor. My old homeland, the Soviet Union, still knew how to deal with the insignificance of the no alternative election: it always made an event out of it. There was a stall at every polling station where citizens could buy delicacies to take home, a can of sprats, a pack of Indian tea or sometimes even oranges.
Upbeat music played, flowers and balloons were distributed and the children were able to eat ice cream while their parents checked the only candidate. People flocked to the polling stations in droves right at the opening, the sprats were gone after two hours and the votes were already counted by midday.
